It has been said that one of the biggest challenges facing any nation is the dilemma of absent, missing, or uninvolved fathers. In some instances the loss or separation of a father is inevitable, hugely complex and not too much can be done about it.
But in many other instances both mother and father (usually after separation) are so keen for the continuation of co-parenting. Mothers are often (with good reason, in many cases) angry at the ‘distant’ father, and part of the resentment is his failure to spend quality time with the child or children. Not all mothers want to ‘punish’ the distant dad with limited custody as a result of no or poor maintenance contributions. After separation, a reasonable parent would want the other to continue to play an instrumental part in the life of the child. This insight is wise, and in accordance with all major studies advancing the ongoing presence of both parents to be ‘in the best interest of the child’.
How do I assist fathers to re-ignite the bond with a child or children? I run workshops, and individual coaching sessions with fathers who want to play a more instrumental and meaningful role in the life of his child. It is so easy to become the dad hero, actually. Just a few skills, a heap of awareness, and a healthy dose of goodwill. My mentoring workshops and coaching sessions focus on 3 areas of skills development:
- Bread
- Music
- Craft
Bread: Most of the best (and really memorable!) conversations we were part of, started in the kitchen. This intimate atmosphere lends itself to the start of small talk that often turns into life-long lessons. It’s those pre-dinner (or breakfast/lunch) conversations. This is where a young boy/man, for instance, should learn to appreciate, and ultimately bake a bread. It is a lifeskill of note, one that will stand him in excellent stead for as long as he shall live. Or daughter, but the temptation to focus on the magic of gender roles and possible re-construction is just too much!
I have used the metaphor (and method) of artisan bread-baking in a variety of community-based projects before. It is one that is both powerful and useful. I have built bread ovens, and helped young unemployed men to bake ciabatta and pizzas. These are skills that provide and develop significant lifeskills.
I am now teaching dads how to get their sons/daughters involved in baking a really good bread, using minimum equipment and ingredients, but with skill and wisdom that will impress, and help to build a lasting legacy.
Music: All parents have a major influence on their children with regard to music and its appreciation. We play our favourite songs (sometimes at significant volume) to our children, withut always realising the sponge effect of this. We seem to know how to create antennas for specific genres of music, and we leave little doubt on their young and impressionable minds as to who our real music heroes are /were.
This is important, as it becomes part of their artistic frame of reference. We do not have similar music tastes or musical knowledge. But if we had the chance to benefit from some guidance, or ideas on how to effectively transfer our taste or what we believe to be in good stead for the developing musical mind? As an experienced musician, I am very familiar and seasoned in this area. I have achieved impressive results, and where I am keen to mentor and help develop the space and skills to develop. Fathers are well-placed to intervene here and could potentially play a huge role in shaping the minds, values and future expectations of young children.
Crafts: A father becomes an instant hero if he can fix, or build things. It has never failed to impress, and with good reason. As a seasoned handyman, father of three boys, I have a long and memorable history as family ‘handyman’. It’s been a long and sometimes challenging road, but I have acquired the skills and knowledge of most of the know-how, tricks and hacks necessary to become known as ‘Dad will be able to fix this’.
Also, the process of fixing and building things (toys, especially) opens a wonderful space for the involvement of his children. It presents another chance to have lovely, long and on-going conversations. These projects present good Dad opportunities to showcase related skills such as patience, perserverance, as well as the wisdom of abandoning mission impossible (and how to debrief that).
I offer:
- half-day or full-day workshops for small to medium work teams, in collaboration with existing community NGOs/projects or by special initiative
- Private coaching for individual fathers, either by way of specific request, or by a referral that may be part of the Parenting Plan negotiation/agreement.
Contact me for more information.
Relation Strategies 